time to change

so here i am still crying and feeling so sick in side, i mean physically sick its untrue.  i mean really i should be in hospital but i shall have to look after myself.  as long as i keep getting my money, but i've got to the stage that there is no point in that either.  why can't i start to look after myself, is it because for so long i have been down trodden, the kids, family, boyfriend, too much burden to look at myself or be happy or even care how i look or anything.  i still feel like that now, i'm so distressed that i just want to be on my own but i still have my daughter to cope with, i know she is 17 but she has to start making a life for herself and i am so cross with myself cause i have put everything into my kids and i have nothing left for myself.  i'm so hurt and just want to be left alone to grieve in peace, slowly for what has been my life.  its such a shame and there is no where i can go to get relief from it.  there is no food, no clothes, no holiday, no car nothing in this whole wide world that can compensate me for what has been stolen from me, she is just such a wicked evil bitch and deserves to rot in hell.   i'm so sad and angry and bitter, i am all these things and yet i still feel that it is her bitterness and jelousy that is at the root of this evil.  my son was given to me not her, she was my mother and nothing else.  oh the betrayal, i hope to god i can find some peace in the evil that she has done.  i don't believe in church or any religion, i just want to feel peace inside of myself.  atleast i may not have anything but i am a nice person which is more than she or my sister can say.  i don't care if people feel pity for me, its their problem.  its my life