well hiya blog, i do love you you know, but its very hard at the moment. i need help to turn my thoughts around so that i can see whats happened from a different perspective and be able to cope with all the emotions it has bought up. well i shall bring them here to you
just been to the doctors, old doctor that is, i was quite worked up before i got there but well they know i am now moving doctors and he asked me why so i told him.
1. it was a conflict of interests as they were my mums doctors too, he said well he hadn't seen my mum for a long time and asked if he himself had done anything personally, to which i replied, its not personal.
well i asked him to complete the paperwork which should have been done in november and there had been some mix up and asked him to complete it before i left for the new doctors. i told him that would be the last job i expected from him and that it would be the most kindest thing he could do to help me in the circumstances, which is write a letter so good that it will get my creditors off my back. and i did tell him that what has happened recently has really put me back a number of years and that i probably would never work again. to which he said quite likely.
i also said that the new doctors were looking after my current day to day care and that i was going to see dr kirtley at the end of the month as a final farewell visit because i needed to tell him that legally if my mother passed away in the not too distant future, or if there was evidence of her not being of sound mind, then it would put me in direct conflict with the doctors. also dr. kirtley was the one who saw my mum when we visited at xmas and he said, if i wasn't going down every day, then she might have to go into hospital. also i told dr. broom that because i didn;t know about what she had done in october and the fact that she was determined to keep it secret, if i had have known what she had done in october then there is no way i would have looked after her at xmas. any how i left the letter with him and asked for a copy to be sent to me as well.
so i'm still here and left to deal with all the feelings of emotional fall out, i feel very bad today, like i just wanna curl up and die, its so awful what she has done, its so nasty. my own mother has betrayed me not only over my birthright to know my own genetic makeup but also over my inheritance, she is just so wicked, not too mention the fact that she has betrayed the most sacred of bonds between a mother and child. its disgusting and even more so because i have taken great care and at great personal expense, financial and emotional to ensure that my children have not suffered, i did my best but i wonder if my own upbringing has in the end defeated me, i feel as though i have been interfered with in the most underhand way, my way of being has been interfered with by my mother and the consequences will be long lasting in my lifetime but also in my children's lifetime.
to me she is so evil that i want nothing to do with her or with anyone including my children, if they think she is right in any way. i can't understand why my children can't see what an evil monster she is and also why don't they just denounce her outright in support of me. they are such idiots but i guess that is thier life. but i shall tell them i don't wish to speak or hear anyone speak of her in my presence and if they can't do that then they can keep away.
i'm going to walk away from all of them, they are just absolute shit, including my children, they should have nothing to do with her, and if they don't then they are not supporting me. i've always supported them, i kept them safe and warm and well cared for when their dad's just wanted to use them and kill them. its such a shame that they can't or won't do the same for me. oh well, i have to do this for myself, no sense in waiting for those little bastards to do the right thing. they won't cause they think they know best as usual. but me i know i need to get to a place where i feel stronger in myself and more able to withstand the shit that abounds. this shit is my life, what a shame, i never stood a chance really, and i kinda wasted my life trying to make things better or make a difference and in the end, what have i done, just ruined myself trying to help myself and others. what a complete waste of a life. the only thing i have left is that when i look in the mirror, i see a decent woman, old and poor but nontheless a decent woman. its all i have my own decency. wow
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