yeah that went well.

yeah, i can't stand it any more, he just always comes to me and says things like, r u busy, i can't believe it, its as though he is playing some kind of game that K's dad used to play. like 'i'm not forcing you, i'm just taking advantage of your good nature but thats your problem - you being so good natured' its just horrible. well he can sleep on the floor tonite in his empty flat. serves the little b...d right.  not once has he ever came to see me and enquired if i am ok, not once has he ever been to see me without wanting or needing something. little s....t and then when he said oh he would be back for shrovetide. yeah right i just flipped and said, well er don't think you are stopping with me cause i'm busy.  i just don't want the problem of him, its his own problem and he can sort it out.  he doesn't treat me well enough to earn any kind of good natured expression from me.  he's a little b.....d and good riddence. i really don't like him so there.  i feel so much better now and i don't have to over eat anymore cause its him i don't like, he is so wrong in the way he treats me and now i feel so much better.  yeah i feel sad cause of how he treats me but well i can live with that just so long as i don't have to have anything to do with the little b.....d  you could say the relationship has broken down irretrievably and thats about the top and bottom of it and i sure as hell don't want or need anything from him.  i've done my bit as a mother, i loved and cherished him and cared for him when no one else gave a damm about him and all he has done is throw it all back at me, well my conscience is clear and my job is done now, he's on his own, i don't owe him anything.  he can go f...k himself for all i care.  its not my problem he can't see me as i am or er that might be the problem he can actually see me as i am but in his tiny little selfish mind, has yet to see all of me, which i might add he is about to see big time. do you get my drift.  tough love is what is called for here and he is about to get a f.....g barrowload of it.  you know the sad little b thinks its all about money, big mistake yeah big mistake.
he actually thinks i'm upset because he won't give me any money.  thats what he actually thinks.  of course i'm upset cause he doesn't reciprocate all the good things that have been lavished on him.  he actually thinks that because he works that allows him to mistreat me - his favourite response to anything is, i work for my money - thereby implying because i don't work thats why i don't get anything, i must remind him next time he comes asking me for something, that i don't work and therefore i can't give him anything.  soft soaping is what he needs.  and we all know thats a one way street, i'll be laughing me head off behind all that lather and he'll be covered in soap suds.  hehehe

could be a better day

food wise, not too bad a day, emotionally not very good at all.  a few tears and now feeling a bit down, would like to comfort myself with food but can't because a) i can't afford to and b) it won't make me feel any better anyway.  so i am going to compromise and have two weetabix with milk (semi skimmed) and a tiny bit of sugar.  then i am going to relax and try not to beat myself up for feeling down and tired.  i don't even feel like walking the dogs but if i sit down and rest abit, i could pysch myself up a bit for a little walk round later before bedtime.  its cold though and i feel a bit run down and keep shivering.
T is back and gone to work, he doesn't make me feel any better because i know he's just got paid and even if i asked him, he wouldn't give me anything and i don't have any money at the moment til tuesday. so ofcourse that doesn't make me feel very good.  I won't ask him for anything cause basically i just want him to f....k off.  i dont like him, he doesn't show any caring spirit towards me at all.  but i shall have the last laugh on him, cause he is such a twat.  it won't be very difficult.
infact it is this problem that makes me feel so bad, i just don't seem to have the heart to hoof him off but i really resent him they way that he is.  i don't know what to do, i just keep thinking i shall say nothing till monday and then he is off and i hope to god the little shit don't come back.  oh i'm so cross because he just keeps coming back and i feel sorry for him even though i know its his own decisions that have got him into the mess he is in, though to be fair he don't think he is in a mess.  its a big problem for me

lovely day

after. oh  yesterday which was a major binge day - two chocolate eclairs, clotted cream rice pudding pot, bacon and cheese wrap, thats just what i can remember.  needless to say i made myself walk the dogs after that lot but i felt like shit, physically and emotionally.
today has been a bit better well quite a lot better actually - have not felt compelled and apart from the quantity that i eat, i have only eaten a small bar of chocolate and have ended with a healthy dinner and a piece of fruit,. so feel much better now and am hopeful for the future.

its just that i actually am feeling shame for T - i know he is happy doing what he is doing, but i feel such shame because he is just always living off other people and their good nature.  but what can i do, its certainly not how he was bought up, he was bought up to take responsibility for himself but alas that seems to have departed and he has taken to this kinda of nomadic existence just drifting from one sofa to the next.  anyway i feel better sharing that with you, it doesn't seem so bad now and my friends and family have all told me not to berate myself for his choices but its just that i feel so disappointed because i like to admire my children, but i can't admire his behaviour at the moment, i know its exciting but its just so stupid, i'm so torn but then again nothing ventured nothing gained it just seems as though he wants to do something without going thru the proper channels.  oh well he may succeed and he may not, but i'm not gonna beat myself up because i actually don't want him to succeed because if he does it makes a mockery of all the hard work and shit that i and many people like me have gone thru. you get my drift.  At the same time i'm all for thinking outside of the box but i would never condone using other people in the equasion.  oh well some people.
so have had a good ride round today with M, drove up to Leek and then at the Green Man cut across to Lognor and Buxton.  then up to Goyt valley and a little walk round with the dogs. then over buxton to doveholes and sparrowpit and then down to castleton via winnats pass, then thru Hope and upto Bamford and along the Derwent valley by the reservoir, another little walk and the sunset was just beautiful, awesome.  then back down to Eyam and Bakewell and via monyash back to Newhaven and then home.  lots of nice music playing on M's ipod and then a really nice healthy dinner and now coronation street and marchlands, so a nice evening.  yeah life is not too bad really, infact there might be hope for the future as long as i keep the stress levels down.

bye for now

randoms

today has been a bit hectic.  started off with M going to doctors.  then a cup of tea with kc and his daughter and a chat, his dad has just died, so talking about funeral arrangements.  then a bit of shopping in sainsbury then pick up M and down to mums for a coffee and bacon butty - oh my sister blocked her toilet - nice ay so had to call and deal with plumber - job done and paid.  back home for 1pm then T starts, can i help him move his bed to someones house - yeah no problem.  he's leaving his flat and job next week and clearing off up to sheffield.  needless to say two trips later he decides to start clearing his flat, not a big problem there but you guessed who had to do the washing up - me - oh and empty the fridge.  the state some people live in.  anyway he loads up all of his clothes and what not and its off to the shop for sandwich, cake, coke and fags for him that is, i don't even get a cup of tea.  there you have it, loooooads of washing for me then.   wow highlite of my week.   so he has nearly cleared his flat except its 'mum can you have the keys and get the other furniture moved, i.e. table and sofa yeah no problem i say, there is still the crockery etc., and some bits and bobs to go. and the floor to be cleaned.  erm not my job no way, he's on his own for that one, when he gets back and before he hands his keys in.
so he's off up to sheffield, well i can't say as i blame him, there is more life up there and in anycase, me thinks he will go abroad at end of march so i'm expecting a card from abroad sometime.  anyway he is certainly not gonna settle down and do anything sensible, but who can blame him, i know i can't i was just the same at his age.  good luck to him, just hope he is ok, its a difficult one really but in the end, it is his life, i gave it to him for him to live it, i've had my pleasure and/or pain in bringing him up.
so thats it for today, apart from i ended up with M at mcdonalds and even had a small sundae so no help from that quarter.
never mind maybe tomorrow will be better tarara xxxx

nice evening

hiya, have been with my daughter to first steps tonite, this is a meeting/support group for anyone with disordered eating habits.  it was pretty good, i have not been for ages, but it was first time for malika and i think she enjoyed it, she said she did, but i think the one specifically for under 25's will be more her thing and i hope she will go with her friend.  that would be nice. 
yeah, my eating has not been that disordered today, but have had some treats, like a bit of salami and two pancakes with some maple syrup and cream - oh my weaknesses.  but on the whole i'm not beating myself up or telling myself horrible things, i've just accepted that today i enjoyed those things.  in short i feel ok.
oh as well i had a nice long mid morning sleep, which really did make me feel better.  you know i have been suffering  of late relaxing that when i do relax i really relish it.  maybe that is something i'm gonna work on as it might help with the eating. basically if i give myself permission to take things easy.  in fact i would go so far as to say, its positively carthatic.  self acceptance is a growing thing at the moment.  i know one thing though that i have had enough pressure in my life to last me a lifetime and i'm not gonna do anything that means i have any more.  i've done my bit for pressure.
yeah so its off to the walking group tomorrow and then taking mum to derby hospital for a ct scan.  anyway i'm gonna try and live in the moment and enjoy all the moments for what they are, precious moments.
in fact i can feel a new ray of hope dawning inside of me and that is the ray of hope that my life will get better.  in fact as much as i love my children, i do yearn for my independence which is slowly happening.  and you know sometimes, its just the fact that i'm breathing that makes life worth living and believe you me for me to think like this is so awsome, when i used to think that i wished i'd never been born. in fact it was quite an eye opener for me when i discovered that not everyone felt like me.  and do you know what i don't feel like that anymore even on my darkest days.  what an achievement.  it was my journey and i put the effort in to withstand the darkness and somehow get thru it.  its left me asking the question was it my good fortune, good luck or my strength of character and will power that got me thru ? maybe i'll never know the answer to this or maybe the answer is a combination of all of them.
nite nite
xxx

Dales Housing - rubbish

oh dear, trying to get all parties to work together for the common good. no chance.  i've had my bathroom moved round, yeah i did it and paid for it, this was because derbyshire dales district council are going to put me an over the bath shower in and i wanted the bath in a better place.  so no problem there,  being as i'm helping myself, derbyshire dales are helping me with the shower, i thought oh i know lets try the landlord, maybe they will help too, landlord being dales housing - hey ho no chance, i've just had some wanker workman twat i've never seen before, who i was asking if they would do the bit of plastering that needs to be done in the bathroom and yeah well he says, have you had this bath moved ? hello yes, is there a problem no, are you gonna do the plastering oh well see i shall have to contact my boss, no problem i said, please tell him i asked nicely, pretty please can you do this bit of plastering ? yes you are in luck today, but it has to go on a three month waiting list probably and can i take some photos ? no problem i says and off he goes.  fortunately i have had a private quote for £75 to get the plastering done cause you see, if in the next two days i don't get a piece of paper with the repair job no. on it, i will know that basically that promise of doing the plastering in three months was horse shit.  so yeah its all fun and games here, but am i bothered, no, cause fortunately i've have been helping myself all these years and i happen to have £75 put by so thanks for nothing mr landlord.   they screwed me over when they wouldn't help me with the shit i was having with my private owner neighbour (wanker of the first order by decree) and now yes, the wankers in suits at dales housing (which is supposed to be a social landlord) keep happily bleating on about how much money they have in the bank (circa 8 million) and lo and behold, you know why they have 8 million in the bank - yes you guessed it because they don't do the things they are supposed to do, ie. like my house should have had a new kitchen and a new bathroom - but guess what they have both now cause i paid for them - thats why the bloody skankers have got 8 million in the bank.  i hope it multiplies and chokes em to death.  what can i say bastards.  but that doesn't stop me being the talented commentator that i am and yes you guessed it, i shall be shouting it from the rooftops what a rubbish landlord they are, in fact i might even report them to er well whoever you report them to - but you know what they are such wankers and i am so talented they would probably re-do my kitchen and well i shan't let em touch the bathroom - just to keep me quiet and yes my friends, there will be no f.....g joy in that cause i've got a kitchen and if i want a better one, i'll get it and it will be done my way, at my time and in my design and i reserve the right to speak of dales housing exactly as i have found them - 'to be bloody useless'
here endeth the lesson for today which is 'trust yourself - you know you are worth it'
bye for now

later later

you know its really carthatic reading back my posts later when i've calmed down.

later in the day

have just been to the doctors and well i'm beginning to think i'm going mad, infact this might turn into a diary of madness.  so here i am at the doctors with my daughter (her appointment) to help her and its me that is in tears cause she is just so unreasonable.  she thinks i'm a scrounger, god forbid what she would do if she ever met a scrounger, considering she thinks i'm one, i don't think she would be able to recognise them.
oh also i'm this, i'm that the list goes on its endless.  well hello i get the picture 'my daughter has zoomed in on all my faults - and wey hey they are being shouted from the roof tops'  well you know what i am going to give myself unconditional self acceptance, that is not admitting or accepting any of her perceptions of me or even going down that road.  because why should i discuss what or who i am with her, i wasn't put on this planet for her satisfaction.  no i am just going to accept myself and tough if she don't like it thats her problem.  in fact i am going to have a big bagful of pampering all to myself and she can go f...k herself.  there i have said it, i don't particularly like her, infact there is a great lot of her i don't like and she can put that in her bread basket too.  it's the clingy business, it really gets up my nose.
i've got it, she has attatchment difficulties - i.e she struggles to detach from me well i can't wait for her to detach herself from me and you know what i'm going to go all out to help her detach by being unavailable for anything. 

horrible day

hi, i'm having a horrible day today, my daughter is very difficult.  and in anycase its just a one way street with my kids, i help them and they don't help me.  i kinda feel as if part of my personality that i have kept hidden or just lost for a while i don't know, but its now come out and i think its a shock to my daughter because up until now i think she thought i was ill and weak and needed looking after when in reality i am all those things but also i am strong, dertermined and invicible.  i'm seeking to integrate all of this into my psych if that makes sense.  its not my fault i couldn't do this before.  anyway my daughter thinks i'm the worst mother ever just because i'm actually standing up for myself and saying no.  people don't realise it takes a lot of effort for me to say no.