nice evening

hiya, have been with my daughter to first steps tonite, this is a meeting/support group for anyone with disordered eating habits.  it was pretty good, i have not been for ages, but it was first time for malika and i think she enjoyed it, she said she did, but i think the one specifically for under 25's will be more her thing and i hope she will go with her friend.  that would be nice. 
yeah, my eating has not been that disordered today, but have had some treats, like a bit of salami and two pancakes with some maple syrup and cream - oh my weaknesses.  but on the whole i'm not beating myself up or telling myself horrible things, i've just accepted that today i enjoyed those things.  in short i feel ok.
oh as well i had a nice long mid morning sleep, which really did make me feel better.  you know i have been suffering  of late relaxing that when i do relax i really relish it.  maybe that is something i'm gonna work on as it might help with the eating. basically if i give myself permission to take things easy.  in fact i would go so far as to say, its positively carthatic.  self acceptance is a growing thing at the moment.  i know one thing though that i have had enough pressure in my life to last me a lifetime and i'm not gonna do anything that means i have any more.  i've done my bit for pressure.
yeah so its off to the walking group tomorrow and then taking mum to derby hospital for a ct scan.  anyway i'm gonna try and live in the moment and enjoy all the moments for what they are, precious moments.
in fact i can feel a new ray of hope dawning inside of me and that is the ray of hope that my life will get better.  in fact as much as i love my children, i do yearn for my independence which is slowly happening.  and you know sometimes, its just the fact that i'm breathing that makes life worth living and believe you me for me to think like this is so awsome, when i used to think that i wished i'd never been born. in fact it was quite an eye opener for me when i discovered that not everyone felt like me.  and do you know what i don't feel like that anymore even on my darkest days.  what an achievement.  it was my journey and i put the effort in to withstand the darkness and somehow get thru it.  its left me asking the question was it my good fortune, good luck or my strength of character and will power that got me thru ? maybe i'll never know the answer to this or maybe the answer is a combination of all of them.
nite nite
xxx