not another one

well yes, here i am again, thinking about Libya, they have permission for a no fly zone and nothing else just to stop the killing of civilians.  but where is this going to end because the way i see it, the rebels when they get to tripoli will end up killing civilians, so what to the coilition do then ?  it seems to me that these bombings are designed to hurt and threaten gaddaffi but that as long as he remains in power, then there is not a lot that the coilition can do other than start and arm a civil war.  this whole process is dis-honest, they have not been honest about their intentions and there will be some consequences that are not expected.

today

wow, bit of a rollercoaster today, started off well, enjoyed the sun, nice walk and coffee and scone round at kc's nice conversation then walk home and bang. letter then anger building up and anger masking sadness really, then a binge then a chat to samaritans and then realisation that its not my fault the way i am and not my fault how other people are. and basically its not my fault.  but am still left incapacitated with sadness, have stopped bingeing but there you go still sad, and unhappy at how my life is at the moment.  i don't feel a strong sense of who i am that is what is making me unhappy.  i feel a bit of a twit really because i'm so gullible but then what do you expect if people don't tell you the truth, how can i be called gullible, surely thats wrong, i'm not gullible, i'm not even trusting, i'm just believing what the doctor said, as you do like normal, and said doctor can't even have the common courtesy of telling me if something has changed, what a twat he is then.  but am i supposed to know, i don't think so do you ?

self loathing

maybe i hate myself because really i hate my mother and she is inside of me - that explains everything really and now i feel quite happy cause i feel liberated in hating my mother, this is one of the last taboos, and finally it can come out and now i don't need to hate myself cause i can hate her and i can love myself, the only problem is what do i do with the bits of myself that are like her, well all i can say is be kind to yourself because you can't help having her as a mother and lets face it the bits that are like her are very few because thats why i hate her so much, otherwise i would like her because she is like me and vice versa.  no i defo hate my mother, oh god it feels so liberating.  i want to shout it from the rooftops, fuck the buddhist teaching and all that, i hate my mother and i feel free to hate the bitch.  oh it feels so good to own all my own feelings, i love myself and i love my children. 

my body is telling the world something

yeah, my body is telling the world something.  i never thought of it like that, i think at first my body was saying to my mum, fuck off and don't tell me what to eat then  she really was so fucked up she was like an empty shell, had no feelings, her life was just about duty and logic and never ever about feelings.  infact i would say she was devoid of feelings.  anyway, i'm not devoid of feelings, infact i'm proud of my feelings, i've got a lot of em. in fact the reason i've got a lot of em is because i was storing them all up and keeping them for the day when i can look at them and/or the day i might need em.  so yeah i'm beginning to feel differently about my body just now, considering what i have been thru and all the fat is like feelings, then yeah i'm a mass of feelings, a blob of feelings if you like and it is only now that i am safe enough and have time enough and enough desire to look at my feelings.  yeah fuck my mother and her fuckless feelings. fuck her big style.  yeah i like my feelings, they are mine, mine not hers mine no one elses they are what make me unique.  yeah i'm gonna enjoy these feelings the good and the bad and the ugly ones. wow how liberating.  to think you could enjoy feeling all the feelings, well i can, cause its what makes me me, its a secret world that only i can go into, it stays with me all the time and its nice even when its bad, tho when its really bad, i do need some company but it has to be the right company. .   anyway, in a way, i'm not lonely anymore cause i've got feelings, sounds daft but there you have it.  i can control my feelings too.  how about that eh, me i can control my feelings, not too sure about this but for now, just a little bit of control, well perhaps not control as such but certainly empathy and encouragement that my feelings are ok whatever they are. and thats a good start.  i'm ok - my feelings are ok.

i'm struggling yeah

well today has been a real challenge, i'm having physical things happening now, like feeling drunk and woozy but i've not had any different tablets and no tranx or sleeping pills. its a physical reaction now to the stress i've been under. 
have had a difficult conversation with k last nite.   had conversation with friend k and g later. not much progress i'm afraid. did send k an email but no response yet.
feeling angry but its taken all evening and lots of tears to work out that i was feeling angry and when i got in touch with my anger, i let it go when i was walking the dogs cause there is nothing i can do.
rang focus line and spoke about encouragement and empowerment and felt better eventually.  i have been so fucked up by her its untrue.  and she is still doing it - what a nasty witch.  but i can stop it, i can block her now and i can and i will.  she can and will carry on doing her thing, nasty evil bitch but i can block her from me.  then all i have to worry about now is my own motivation.  how can i become my own motivator.  well perhaps one day at a time.  perhaps i have to let my body lead the way, both physically and mentally.  yeah they have to work together and also i have to put in to the equasion, what i want.  so physically, mentally and emotionally - it all has to work together.  emotionally is about what i want.  not what my mum wants or made me want for fear of being rejected abandoned by her but what i want and what i know is right and good for me.  yeah thats liberating.  i need to work on my motivation to encourage myself to work in this P M E order

so physically, i want to exercise more, be more active, move more
and mentally, i want to be more motivated, be more rational, be more forceful/strong more sure of what i'm doing and why
therefore emotionally, i'm doing what i want to do

i also need to work on liking myself more, on believing in myself more, but the self loathing is a big problem, why i don't know.  i know logically but do i hate myself for giving up when i was younger, if so, i need to be kinder to myself because it was hard, it was really hard and it was made very difficult for me to take care of my inner world.  there was no escape.  i did what i had to do to survive.  quite frankly i had an appalling childhood and first few years and the circumstances of my birth were such that really i never stood a chance.  my mum being so creative with my birth certificate and all.  oh yeah i have to grieve for what i've lost and for what could have and should have been but then you move on.  but none of this helps me with my self loathing.  well it does a bit but my legs ache now and i would like to feel better about myself physically but i'm just a mess, thats why i hate myself, but maybe just maybe, i'm beginning to sort myself out now that i have this time, i do so want to you know.  i just want some peace and love inside of me.  i just want it to wash over me.  i don't really want any interruptions - i want to keep loving myself.  yeah you can do it, you have to accept the self loathing and then move on from it.  you can't stop it from happening, because its there its part of you, just like what your mum has done, it won't change, its a fact of life, yeah i can live with that, but then its kinda of if you make friends with it, you can let it go, well not friends really, but if you accept it, then you can let it go.  its as if it as to exist before it can go.  makes sense that

yeah its like i've been trying to get rid of it all these years to erase it from my pysche but you can't, it has to be accepted before it can move on.  so basically the self loathing is about being a coward, being weak, giving in, not fighting more - but i have to accept my limitations thats only natural, its ok to want an easy life, its ok especially after all you have been thru, its ok that you are not in the best shape, you are in the best shape you can be after all you have been thru. this is the kindest thing i can tell myself. 

time to move on

well yes, time to move on

more of the same

i'm going to be referred to the mental health team. what i need is a current assessment that is valid and can be sent to my doctor with a copy to me so that the new
doctor can know my situation and also if i need help with my claim for DLA

my worry is the claim for DLA has this is my only source of income.

1. so i'm going to have my breast checked out next monday
2. i'm being referred to mental health team
3. dr. broom has said he will write the letter and send me a copy re; clearing debts.

4. am going to new doctors for a haba1c blood test and appointment for results and to get medicines on perscription so i can order over internet


currently i feel stressed - i need to keep my wits about me because i might end up being taken advantage of.
unfortunately, i have played into my mums hands by being the mental health patient but in the end, its just a means to an end to get away from her. bitch. and also i need time and peace to recover from the assault that i have suffered at her hands.  also i just want to turn my back on her.  its no use hoping a man on a white charger is going to come along and rescue me.  i have to rescue myself as best i can. 

BUT I DEFO WANT TO BE CUT OFF FROM MY MUM BOTH FINANCIALLY, PHYSICALLY, EMOTIONALLY AND IN EVERY WAY THAT YOU CAN POSSIBLY GET.

remember this zhandra, there is nothing you could have done that would have prevented her behaving badly

i feel better now that i have come to that understanding

time to change

so here i am still crying and feeling so sick in side, i mean physically sick its untrue.  i mean really i should be in hospital but i shall have to look after myself.  as long as i keep getting my money, but i've got to the stage that there is no point in that either.  why can't i start to look after myself, is it because for so long i have been down trodden, the kids, family, boyfriend, too much burden to look at myself or be happy or even care how i look or anything.  i still feel like that now, i'm so distressed that i just want to be on my own but i still have my daughter to cope with, i know she is 17 but she has to start making a life for herself and i am so cross with myself cause i have put everything into my kids and i have nothing left for myself.  i'm so hurt and just want to be left alone to grieve in peace, slowly for what has been my life.  its such a shame and there is no where i can go to get relief from it.  there is no food, no clothes, no holiday, no car nothing in this whole wide world that can compensate me for what has been stolen from me, she is just such a wicked evil bitch and deserves to rot in hell.   i'm so sad and angry and bitter, i am all these things and yet i still feel that it is her bitterness and jelousy that is at the root of this evil.  my son was given to me not her, she was my mother and nothing else.  oh the betrayal, i hope to god i can find some peace in the evil that she has done.  i don't believe in church or any religion, i just want to feel peace inside of myself.  atleast i may not have anything but i am a nice person which is more than she or my sister can say.  i don't care if people feel pity for me, its their problem.  its my life

a nice day outside, but cold inside

well hiya blog, i do love you you know, but its very hard at the moment.  i need help to turn my thoughts around so that i can see whats happened from a different perspective and be able to cope with all the emotions it has bought up.  well i shall bring them here to you
just been to the doctors, old doctor that is, i was quite worked up before i got there but well they know i am now moving doctors and he asked me why so i told him.
1. it was a conflict of interests as they were my mums doctors too, he said well he hadn't seen my mum for a long time and asked if he himself had done anything personally, to which i replied, its not personal.
well i asked him to complete the paperwork which should have been done in november and there had been some mix up and asked him to complete it before i left for the new doctors.  i told him that would be the last job i expected from him and that it would be the most kindest thing he could do to help me in the circumstances, which is write a letter so good that it will get my creditors off my back. and i did tell him that what has happened recently has really put me back a number of years and that i probably would never work again.  to which he said quite likely.
i also said that the new doctors were looking after my current day to day care and that i was going to see dr kirtley at the end of the month as a final farewell visit because i needed to tell him that legally if my mother passed away in the not too distant future, or if there was evidence of her not being of sound mind, then it would put me in direct conflict with the doctors.  also dr. kirtley was the one who saw my mum when we visited at xmas and he said, if i wasn't going down every day, then she might have to go into hospital.  also i told dr. broom that because i didn;t know about what she had done in october and the fact that she was determined to keep it secret, if i had have known what she had done in october then there is no way i would have looked after her at xmas.  any how i left the letter with him and asked for a copy to be sent to me as well.
so i'm still here and left to deal with all the feelings of emotional fall out, i feel very bad today, like i just wanna curl up and die, its so awful what she has done, its so nasty.  my own mother has betrayed me not only over my birthright to know my own genetic makeup but also over my inheritance, she is just so wicked, not too mention the fact that she has betrayed the most sacred of bonds between a mother and child.  its disgusting and even more so because i have taken great care and at great personal expense, financial and emotional to ensure that my children have not suffered, i did my best but i wonder if my own upbringing has in the end defeated me, i feel as though i have been interfered with in the most underhand way,  my way of being has been interfered with by my mother and the consequences will be long lasting in my lifetime but also in my children's lifetime. 
to me she is so evil that i want nothing to do with her or with anyone including my children, if they think she is right in any way.  i can't understand why my children can't see what an evil monster she is and also why don't they just denounce her outright in support of me.  they are such idiots but i guess that is thier life.  but i shall tell them i don't wish to speak or hear anyone speak of her in my presence and if they can't do that then they can keep away.
i'm going to walk away from all of them, they are just absolute shit, including my children, they should have nothing to do with her, and if they don't then they are not supporting me.  i've always supported them, i kept them safe and warm and well cared for when their dad's just wanted to use them and kill them.  its such a shame that they can't or won't do the same for me.  oh well, i have to do this for myself, no sense in waiting for those little bastards to do the right thing.  they won't cause they think they know best as usual.  but me i know i need to get to a place where i feel stronger in myself and more able to withstand the shit that abounds.  this shit is my life, what a shame, i never stood a chance really, and i kinda wasted my life trying to make things better or make a difference and in the end, what have i done, just ruined myself trying to help myself and others.  what a complete waste of a life.  the only thing i have left is that when i look in the mirror, i see a decent woman, old and poor but nontheless a decent woman.  its all i have my own decency.  wow

the best revenge

yeah, the best revenge is served cold

i'm glad i didn't kill her, now she can sit and think about what she has done for the rest of her days, that will be a better punishment for her.  don't you agree ?

good, i'm glad i hope she suffers big time

i love you blog

well, yesterday was a mixed bag. managed to get dishwasher done, by putting one foot in front of other and so on.  then had to phone focus line just to get out to walk the dogs, but managed it saw a friend, who gave me a hug, which was nice. have had no tranx since thursday so doing well, no sleeping tabs since friday nite either, so doing well here, did have one yesterday pm but it made me sleepy which was nice but then made me hungry so didn't like that, also it was a stronger one than normal 2mg so won't need any more of them.  it just comes in waves and washes over me when i feel bad and then if i share it with someone it goes off and then i'm ok.  its just a matter of getting used to the new status quo thats all and then after 28 days, it will be the norm so thats about it.  obviously its still hard to accept the betrayal, because thats what it is, she (mum) promised me she would never sign anything without me being there, and well she's gone back on that and also i do believe she is trying to justify her position by doing me down.  but you know what, i say to people if you can't recognise this as an evil act of a spiteful and vengeful woman then i feel very sorry for you. 

ofcourse it will have implications for me for the rest of my life and that of my children but we will all just have to learn to live with the fact that my mother was a nasty spiteful abusive individual who loved money above all else.  other people can think what they like but thats how i see it and i know i'm right.

hoping that the appointment with the new doctor goes ok.  i'm hoping i get more empathy and understanding than i have had from the other surgery, where i might add my mum has been spreading her shit.  also when you think about it, it is a good thing to move surgery because at least i won't be bumping into her, will i.
i know i will get thru this, but i do feel very sorry for myself really, its true what my friend says, shit happens to nice and good people for no reason.  that doesn't in itself make it any easier to cope with but it actually explains what is happening to me in a way that can be clearly understood.

so maybe this has happened because there is something better in store for me, i hope so.  also i do actually believe a weight has been lifted off my shoulders in one sense, because i didn't like her very much and i must say i always since K was little lived my life, not trusting her, not depending on her and never needing her.  though i must say, i did want her to be different and i think its that what has finally died now.  also i have now given myself permission to feel all the hate and bitterness and disgust and hurt at the betrayal which i feel and miraculously i'm not eating any where near what i used to.  yeah, it feels good to finally acknowledge what a nasty vindictive egocentric narcisstic bitchy snobby shitty dirty snide sneaky piece of shit that was my mum.  in fact it feels positively liberating and i can tell you this, its worth every fucking penny !!!!!!!!

oh i'll tell you another little bit, when i used to take her to the hospital, she always gave me £20 and bought lunch and we went in her car and towards the end, she began to say oooh it was expensive and so on, but this was her idea to give me the money in the first place.  i also swear she didn't see me as her daughter, i think she thought i was the paid help. but anyway, if you think about it and i find this really funny, my sister hasn't taken her to the hospital not once to my knowledge, and we don't know if she will take her in the future but there is one thing for certain, its been more expensive than £20 hahahaha.  that really makes me laugh but there you go.  oh by the way for your information the house has been valued at around 420 thousand so as you can see its a lot more than £20.   and on the other hand, you could say well my sister has been well paid for nothing, and that she is laughing all the way to the bank.  i don't know why but somehow i don't see that lasting somehow.  i mean i actually believe he who laughs last, laughs the longest so yeah, its unfair by any means but lets face it, i don't have to lift a finger to help either of them and considering what dirty little shits the pair of em are, i think that is priceless, don't you.

today - one day at a time

today started off quite ok but has gone down hill abit since.  i feel a little lost at the moment.  but am hanging in there, have eaten a bit too much, its funny but since all this has happened, i can actually feel hunger and feel when i have had too much - i just wish i could it feel full a bit sooner - but i'll have to work on that.  the qty of food that i am having is way way down, i just can't take it now.  yeah every cloud ha a silver lining.
but i still feel down, i know its gonna be a while until i really get used to the new status quo, but one thing is for certain, i am not a piece of shit, even though my mum has treated me that way and i know she believes that, but that are her thoughts not mine.  believe me it takes quite a lot of effort to turn that particular record off especially given whats happened, it was hard enough before, but its doubly hard now, but i won't give in.
so i'm feeling down just now but not rock bottom and i must say i am looking forward to the tudors tonite.
well i might see ya later, i'll see how i go. bye for now z.

whatever happens

i know that whatever happens in the future, i'm strong and i will get thru it, just like i have all the other things i have got thru.  i am a strong principalled woman and i know that whatever comes i will do the right thing, i will and now i can turn on my own record in my head and boy am i gonna turn it on.  yeah i'm strong, i'm fun, i'm loyal, i'm feisty, i can stick up for myself, i am loving, i'm living, i'm breathing with every pore of my body. i can feel the blood rushing around my body and enjoying it. it feels happy, i'm happy.  yeah i'm happy
thats not bad for today.

i'm beginning to wonder

i'm beginning to wonder if there are people out there who actually agree with what my mum's done.  i mean we all know she has the right to do what she wants. but come on when does that right become abusive.  anyway she promised me faithfully she wouldn't sign anything unless i was there.  she broke her promise end of and i will never lift a finger to help her or even speak to her or anything ever again.  i will never never ever forgive her for what she has done and i really do truly hope she rots in hell.   as one friend said to me, look at what and who you have around you and think of what your mum has. yeah right, she has my sister who is just a money grabbing scheming bitch and the only time you see her is when its time to draw the money.  i hope she has the most painful life ever.  infact i hope she has so much pain and a little bit more pain for good measure.  it goes without saying i'd never see her again.
i have told my children what i'm doing and told them they can do as they please, they must do as their conscience tells them to.  i refuse to let the grotty bitch have anything more to do with my life.  yeah its raw still but with time i'll feel better.  in fact i feel better tonite now that i have taken control of a few things and i certainly enjoyed the walk.  i must say, its not been right since she voted tory at the last election and  i was upset when she took my son in last year and never rang me or spoke to me, seems like she thought it was my place to run to her, big mistake i'd say. well needless to say i didn't go running after her or my son.  when my son finally got in touch with me, it was after that i spoke to her briefly.  and i would say, yeah it was difficult but i was certainly a lot happier without either of them.  so i wasn't expecting it to get friendly, but she rang me just before xmas to say her eyes were bad and that she couldn't drive and would i take her to the doctors.  which ofcourse i did and then it became apparent that she was quite ill so i kept going down.  of course sister was no where to be seen, i did say to her, well lynda is too busy making money to care for you. but of course at that time i didn't know that she had already signed over half the house to lynda.  how lynda must have been cross, because had it not been for me looking after mum, she would have had to have gone into hospital and well, i doubt she would have come out because she would have picked up all the bugs.  i always told mum that if she ever signed the house over to lynda, then she would live very long afterwards.  little did i know it was going to be me that saved her.  oh well.  but what treachery, to keep it secret and let me do all the running around.  and even now, if i hadn't have stumbled on the papers, then i wouldn't have been any wiser.  all i can say is that somebody somewhere was looking after me that day. 
so there you have it all the treachery laid bare.  to think that woman was my mum, ah its disgusting.  there is just no excuse.  i have doubted for a long time that she was any good, but when i saw those papers, it was proof positive.  you know when my dad died, er actually he was really my uncle but was put down on my birth certificate as my dad, i came to see all the goodness in him.  and then it began to dawn on me that when my mum died, i would come to see all the badness in her and that is what is happening.  i'm having flashbacks, mostly of very nasty things, but i'm moving thru them, slowly.

you know a person can only take so much trauma at any one time and i really think i have had my fair share of trauma for this life, don't you.  i just want to be left in peace to pick up the pieces of my shattered life.

its taken about 44 years for me to get rehabilitated from the crash of life that my mum has made me suffer, needlessly i might add.  and the rehabilitation is still not complete and may never be, all because one woman was not strong enough or willing enough or loved herself or her children enough to stand up for the truth of her life, or the life of others around her.  well all i can say is what a disgrace to the sisterhood and womankind you are.  you should hang your head in shame and as i said last sunday nite, 27th feb 2011, even whores have got more respect that the low life that she is.  yeah its so sad cause my brother lost his life, yeah it was his to loose but he never stood a chance really, with a mother like her.  i'll beat the bastards, you'll see, the evil bitch that is my mother and all of her cronies, and followers, yeah i'll beat em alright and if i don't i'll die trying and that will have been a life worth living.  yeah you rot in hell you evil no good bacteria that calls itself a mother. 

shit day again

well i've had a bad day again, but it  looks like i might be making some progress at last. 

1.     basically dr. broom for some reason which i don't know has not replied to a letter sent by citizens advice about my medical   condition with a view to writing off my £25k debts due to my ill health.  citizens advice have also sent a chase up letter some three weeks ago and had no reply.  citizens advice are now on standby to wait till i sort out another doctor.  also i've stopped paying the token payment of £1 to each creditor per month (total £10) as there is no point now cause i'm never gonna be able to pay off any of my debts and in anycase, i can't afford bancruptcy nor could i stand it emotionally either.  so there we have it. the onus is on my creditors to take me to court and i shall happily explain to the judge my financial circumstances. 
2.     dr ward saw me today (he saw me monday am when i was very distressed) basically asked me how i felt and well where to start, it was such a mish mash, at one point he said i was verbally agressive, and that i had just come for an argument.  i pointed out that i was telling him how i felt which was what he asked and he said i was being rude about his collegues, but i was telling him what i thought and how i felt about what they had done and i said dr maxwell jones was rubbish. to which he said she clearly isn't and i said i was entitled to my opinion and reiterated it.  he then went on to say what have i come here for and i said, look who is the patient here, who is the sick one, and we established that i was and then i said i need refering to the mental health team, to which he said that is why i asked you how you are feeling and after i had given him a little insight into how i felt, i told him that was just the surface.  i also said that there was a whole world out there that went on completely impervious and not connected to anything he was doing.  he was such a moron.  he said he would do a referral on monday.  i basically told him i didn't trust him nor his collegues infact i didn't trust anyone and then i suddenly realised the only person i could trust was myself and that i had to listen to myself and that i realised he was a tosser and that i didn't trust him and i should act on it, not waste my time telling the twat i didn't trust him.  which upset me more when i realised where i'd gone wrong, but hey never mind, i'd twigged. so i then set off about a referral to a breast clinic cause i've got one bigger than the other and i saw in the waiting room on the screen that that was one of the reasons to see the gp, so i did, he said 'he said he would examine me and he would decide what to do if to refer me.  i said no, i knew my body better than him and that i knew i needed to be referred for a mamogram and basically i told him unless he was going to do what i wanted there wasn't much point and he said oh well if it means that much to you i'll refer you just to put your mind at rest.  but nevertheless he wanted to see me for a physical exam with the nurse, this is booked but no i don't want that prat with his hands on me.  this is about me beliving in myself and taking action to protect myself.
3.   i rung PALS who are going to help me cause i said, i'm in crisis just at the moment cause of what happened on sunday and they are going to ring the practice on monday to establish what has happened to the letter from citizens advice. they also said they were going to look for a mental health advocat for me because it sounded like i needed some support that the doctors were following correct procedures.  they also have given me a helpline number just to get me over the weekend.

but anyway, i have been to tesco in uttoxeter and on the way back i thought, i know whats happened my mother has been down to the surgery spilling her shit and they are turning against me.  i just know i am right.  also i don't rate the doctors at the practice, nor the reception staff so i'm gonna move so i am.

end of phase 1
am booked into new doctors, only over the road, but have an appointment with a registrar as a new patient for monday at 3.30pm cause basically, if the other doctors treated me with respect and understood that what my mum has done has totally turned my life upside down as any normal understanding person knows, its an evil thing to do.  nevermind that she has the right to do it, that is not the point, its evil and its impact will be felt for generations.  so if the doctors treated me with respect and understood i was in crisis and be a little bit more sympathetic i.e  dr broom said, worse things can happen than loose half a house. then i wouldn't need an advocat would i.  so i'm looking forward to a new start at the new doctors and hopefully they can help me access the services i need to. because afterall that is why i went to the doctors and they should have remained impartial and helped me but they were biased because of that old witch.  in anycase, its a sad fact that i have long standing mental health issues because of the traumas i have suffered which together with my personality is very difficult to manage.

so a bit of hope that if i can atleast access the services i need then i can manage my own care.  after all, i get disability living allowance because i need help with me in new circumstances, but unfortunately today i didn't have any help and do you know that idiot dr ward said 'oh your speech has now gone back to normal because your angry' what a plonker i wouldn't like to have the little shit in my head, cause i think after everything i have been thru i think i know more about my speech than him or anyone else ever will.  infact i would go so far as to say, it was him that wanted to argue. prick.
well i am a bit more hope ful now that if i least get access to what i am entitled to, i might be ok. i'm a bit brighter for that spark of hope.
bye for now

what have i done

now my friends won't even talk to me.  i've got no one, no family, no friends and i'm expected to carry on. well i can't so some fucking friends and family you lot turned out to be.  my son told me to phone samaritans and my best friends are busy. so what am i going to do, i just wanna die, right here and now - i've done nothing wrong but i feel like i'm being punished.  it feels like i have to be ashamed that my mother has done this evil thing.  the doctor said, oh well there are worse things that can happen than losing half a house.  what a crass thing to say.  i don't really want to live in world populated by shit people, there is nothing to live for, i hate everybody, you are all shit, even the good ones, you think you know all the answers, but you fucking dont, how do you know how i feel and what i am gonna do.  you want me to stop here and be like everyone else, well theres no fucking chance of that.  if i stop here it will be to be fucking nasty like everyone else is.  thats what i'm experiencing, people being nasty to me so you all can go and have some fucking shit, no one cares a stuff about me and whats happened, no one ever does anything nice for me, i can't remember the time anyone did anything nice for me.  and i fucking know no one ever will cause you are all shit.   so you can go and  piss someone else off.  now my speech has gone completely and what does anyone care, all i can do is cry and i honest to god think that if i'd known what a fucking evil bitch my mum is, i would have let the kids see their dads, yeah that would a been justice on the whole fucking lot of you, and then it would be bastard no,. 1 son ringing the samaritans, oh sorry no he wouldn't he'd be some piece of dead meat like his fucking shit father.   so don't tell me to ring the fucking samaritans you shit bag. and the next time you want fucking driving lessons pay for the bastards yourself and when you want a computer by that fucker as well.   and oh yes, i was told i can't remember what i say, well i fucking well will remember now, cause i'm writing the shit down, so you can have it in black and white, you little bastard, one sniff of fucking money and your straight there just like your fucking grandma, oh yes, i've got something fucking special lined up for that bitch, you' ll see.  and you, and your stupid bastard brother who thinks its all about money for me, well that just shows what a fucking long way off the mark he is. spoilt little bastard.  go on make your own fucking money instead of poncing off me which you have done all your life, you pointless little shit.  and as for malika, if she so much as mentions fucking clothes or shoes, well eventually she will have so many, that like that lady who died amongst her rubbish, well thats what will happen to malika, she will be there dead amongst her clothes and shoes cause she's got that many.   no i've seen you all and you are all bastards and you go and live in hell, if you are not already there.   and its no use saying shit happens to nice people, what a load shit is that.  no it doesn't shit happens to them that deserve it, so you wait you are all gonna get yours. 

hate

i really do hope my mum and her bitch lynda and her kids and gran kids really honest to god rot in hell.,   i hope they suffer more pain than any human being can endure so that their entails are hanging out of them.  they are the lowest of the low in fact they are not even human.   there is no justice in this world and you can have your doctors and police and whatever, they are no better than vermin.  they are a plague on humanity. the love of money above all else is the root of all evil.  and that is where my mothers soul lies.  i'm only sad its taken me 50 years to find out what a nasty evil woman she really is.   but it is testament to me that before i always gave her the benefit of the doubt, well was i a fool ? no i told you i am a nice person and i believed that nothing was ever truly black and white and always went that extra mile, until there was irrefutable evidence to the contrary - as is now the case.
i know its gonna take me a while to get over this betrayal of gigantic proportions.  it had even been suggested that i go to church on sunday and tell all the congragation what she has done.  she sits there religiously pious every fucking sunday and yet she has done this dirty deed.  scum i say scum.  what an evil bitch

what a tiresome day

well its started - in some ways i'm just too tired to go thru it all again, i'm moving on.  but suffice to say someone was looking after me on sunday, i found a solicitors letter detailing the arrangements for my mum to have my sister own half of her house.  well thats it i asked my mum if this had been done, she said yes. it was done in october 2010. so what more can i say
bitch from hell, its evil oh and if i say if anything is left when she passes that goes straight to my eldest son khaled.  i have two other children
anyway i shan't be speaking let alone seeing the bitch and she get and pay strangers to care for her now.  wouldn't you - dying is just too fucking good for her.  what a hateful evil spiteful old woman.  my friends are telling me now that they always knew she was at the root of all my problems because of how she treated me.  well all i can say is i'm so glad i found out now, its late enough anyway i'm 50 this year but at least now there is no doubt, she is evil, i don't have any family other than my three children.
so how do you think i#m coping.  well there is onething, i shan't let the bitch kill me, cause i'll kill her first. and i'm gonna make sure that eventually when i get over the shock that i don;t let this rule or ruin my life.
its happened, its done let there be an end to it.  i don't have to lift a finger now to do anything.  this act was calculated by a spiteful old crone to do the most damage and hurt me the most to turn me into a spiteful nasty person, well her bullet has backfired spectacularly because guess what i'm not that person and never will be.
i am kind, and funny and decent and am a good friend to myself, my children and to many.  so she won't get any joy there.,   i am pretty, i am laughing and smiling and my internal beauty radiates and emanates from my very soul, that is something that my mum can never ever take away from me.  she tried very hard over the years to turn a silk purse into a frogs ear. but hey no can do. i am what i am  do you know how i learn't this, because i will never ever know why when i found out about this, i didn't kill her and break every window and trash the house, there was no conscious decision to not do this.  then a lady who was in a group of people i was chatting to at mind in uttoxeter said. i know why you didn't do it. and i said please tell me cause i will never know why i didn't i couldn't explain it and she said simply 'because you are not a murderer' and there you have it, i have been to the very edge of my soul and i have learn't that you can rely on yourself and your own naturalness.