well, yesterday was a mixed bag. managed to get dishwasher done, by putting one foot in front of other and so on. then had to phone focus line just to get out to walk the dogs, but managed it saw a friend, who gave me a hug, which was nice. have had no tranx since thursday so doing well, no sleeping tabs since friday nite either, so doing well here, did have one yesterday pm but it made me sleepy which was nice but then made me hungry so didn't like that, also it was a stronger one than normal 2mg so won't need any more of them. it just comes in waves and washes over me when i feel bad and then if i share it with someone it goes off and then i'm ok. its just a matter of getting used to the new status quo thats all and then after 28 days, it will be the norm so thats about it. obviously its still hard to accept the betrayal, because thats what it is, she (mum) promised me she would never sign anything without me being there, and well she's gone back on that and also i do believe she is trying to justify her position by doing me down. but you know what, i say to people if you can't recognise this as an evil act of a spiteful and vengeful woman then i feel very sorry for you.
ofcourse it will have implications for me for the rest of my life and that of my children but we will all just have to learn to live with the fact that my mother was a nasty spiteful abusive individual who loved money above all else. other people can think what they like but thats how i see it and i know i'm right.
hoping that the appointment with the new doctor goes ok. i'm hoping i get more empathy and understanding than i have had from the other surgery, where i might add my mum has been spreading her shit. also when you think about it, it is a good thing to move surgery because at least i won't be bumping into her, will i.
i know i will get thru this, but i do feel very sorry for myself really, its true what my friend says, shit happens to nice and good people for no reason. that doesn't in itself make it any easier to cope with but it actually explains what is happening to me in a way that can be clearly understood.
so maybe this has happened because there is something better in store for me, i hope so. also i do actually believe a weight has been lifted off my shoulders in one sense, because i didn't like her very much and i must say i always since K was little lived my life, not trusting her, not depending on her and never needing her. though i must say, i did want her to be different and i think its that what has finally died now. also i have now given myself permission to feel all the hate and bitterness and disgust and hurt at the betrayal which i feel and miraculously i'm not eating any where near what i used to. yeah, it feels good to finally acknowledge what a nasty vindictive egocentric narcisstic bitchy snobby shitty dirty snide sneaky piece of shit that was my mum. in fact it feels positively liberating and i can tell you this, its worth every fucking penny !!!!!!!!
oh i'll tell you another little bit, when i used to take her to the hospital, she always gave me £20 and bought lunch and we went in her car and towards the end, she began to say oooh it was expensive and so on, but this was her idea to give me the money in the first place. i also swear she didn't see me as her daughter, i think she thought i was the paid help. but anyway, if you think about it and i find this really funny, my sister hasn't taken her to the hospital not once to my knowledge, and we don't know if she will take her in the future but there is one thing for certain, its been more expensive than £20 hahahaha. that really makes me laugh but there you go. oh by the way for your information the house has been valued at around 420 thousand so as you can see its a lot more than £20. and on the other hand, you could say well my sister has been well paid for nothing, and that she is laughing all the way to the bank. i don't know why but somehow i don't see that lasting somehow. i mean i actually believe he who laughs last, laughs the longest so yeah, its unfair by any means but lets face it, i don't have to lift a finger to help either of them and considering what dirty little shits the pair of em are, i think that is priceless, don't you.
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