shit day again

well i've had a bad day again, but it  looks like i might be making some progress at last. 

1.     basically dr. broom for some reason which i don't know has not replied to a letter sent by citizens advice about my medical   condition with a view to writing off my £25k debts due to my ill health.  citizens advice have also sent a chase up letter some three weeks ago and had no reply.  citizens advice are now on standby to wait till i sort out another doctor.  also i've stopped paying the token payment of £1 to each creditor per month (total £10) as there is no point now cause i'm never gonna be able to pay off any of my debts and in anycase, i can't afford bancruptcy nor could i stand it emotionally either.  so there we have it. the onus is on my creditors to take me to court and i shall happily explain to the judge my financial circumstances. 
2.     dr ward saw me today (he saw me monday am when i was very distressed) basically asked me how i felt and well where to start, it was such a mish mash, at one point he said i was verbally agressive, and that i had just come for an argument.  i pointed out that i was telling him how i felt which was what he asked and he said i was being rude about his collegues, but i was telling him what i thought and how i felt about what they had done and i said dr maxwell jones was rubbish. to which he said she clearly isn't and i said i was entitled to my opinion and reiterated it.  he then went on to say what have i come here for and i said, look who is the patient here, who is the sick one, and we established that i was and then i said i need refering to the mental health team, to which he said that is why i asked you how you are feeling and after i had given him a little insight into how i felt, i told him that was just the surface.  i also said that there was a whole world out there that went on completely impervious and not connected to anything he was doing.  he was such a moron.  he said he would do a referral on monday.  i basically told him i didn't trust him nor his collegues infact i didn't trust anyone and then i suddenly realised the only person i could trust was myself and that i had to listen to myself and that i realised he was a tosser and that i didn't trust him and i should act on it, not waste my time telling the twat i didn't trust him.  which upset me more when i realised where i'd gone wrong, but hey never mind, i'd twigged. so i then set off about a referral to a breast clinic cause i've got one bigger than the other and i saw in the waiting room on the screen that that was one of the reasons to see the gp, so i did, he said 'he said he would examine me and he would decide what to do if to refer me.  i said no, i knew my body better than him and that i knew i needed to be referred for a mamogram and basically i told him unless he was going to do what i wanted there wasn't much point and he said oh well if it means that much to you i'll refer you just to put your mind at rest.  but nevertheless he wanted to see me for a physical exam with the nurse, this is booked but no i don't want that prat with his hands on me.  this is about me beliving in myself and taking action to protect myself.
3.   i rung PALS who are going to help me cause i said, i'm in crisis just at the moment cause of what happened on sunday and they are going to ring the practice on monday to establish what has happened to the letter from citizens advice. they also said they were going to look for a mental health advocat for me because it sounded like i needed some support that the doctors were following correct procedures.  they also have given me a helpline number just to get me over the weekend.

but anyway, i have been to tesco in uttoxeter and on the way back i thought, i know whats happened my mother has been down to the surgery spilling her shit and they are turning against me.  i just know i am right.  also i don't rate the doctors at the practice, nor the reception staff so i'm gonna move so i am.

end of phase 1
am booked into new doctors, only over the road, but have an appointment with a registrar as a new patient for monday at 3.30pm cause basically, if the other doctors treated me with respect and understood that what my mum has done has totally turned my life upside down as any normal understanding person knows, its an evil thing to do.  nevermind that she has the right to do it, that is not the point, its evil and its impact will be felt for generations.  so if the doctors treated me with respect and understood i was in crisis and be a little bit more sympathetic i.e  dr broom said, worse things can happen than loose half a house. then i wouldn't need an advocat would i.  so i'm looking forward to a new start at the new doctors and hopefully they can help me access the services i need to. because afterall that is why i went to the doctors and they should have remained impartial and helped me but they were biased because of that old witch.  in anycase, its a sad fact that i have long standing mental health issues because of the traumas i have suffered which together with my personality is very difficult to manage.

so a bit of hope that if i can atleast access the services i need then i can manage my own care.  after all, i get disability living allowance because i need help with me in new circumstances, but unfortunately today i didn't have any help and do you know that idiot dr ward said 'oh your speech has now gone back to normal because your angry' what a plonker i wouldn't like to have the little shit in my head, cause i think after everything i have been thru i think i know more about my speech than him or anyone else ever will.  infact i would go so far as to say, it was him that wanted to argue. prick.
well i am a bit more hope ful now that if i least get access to what i am entitled to, i might be ok. i'm a bit brighter for that spark of hope.
bye for now