i'm struggling yeah

well today has been a real challenge, i'm having physical things happening now, like feeling drunk and woozy but i've not had any different tablets and no tranx or sleeping pills. its a physical reaction now to the stress i've been under. 
have had a difficult conversation with k last nite.   had conversation with friend k and g later. not much progress i'm afraid. did send k an email but no response yet.
feeling angry but its taken all evening and lots of tears to work out that i was feeling angry and when i got in touch with my anger, i let it go when i was walking the dogs cause there is nothing i can do.
rang focus line and spoke about encouragement and empowerment and felt better eventually.  i have been so fucked up by her its untrue.  and she is still doing it - what a nasty witch.  but i can stop it, i can block her now and i can and i will.  she can and will carry on doing her thing, nasty evil bitch but i can block her from me.  then all i have to worry about now is my own motivation.  how can i become my own motivator.  well perhaps one day at a time.  perhaps i have to let my body lead the way, both physically and mentally.  yeah they have to work together and also i have to put in to the equasion, what i want.  so physically, mentally and emotionally - it all has to work together.  emotionally is about what i want.  not what my mum wants or made me want for fear of being rejected abandoned by her but what i want and what i know is right and good for me.  yeah thats liberating.  i need to work on my motivation to encourage myself to work in this P M E order

so physically, i want to exercise more, be more active, move more
and mentally, i want to be more motivated, be more rational, be more forceful/strong more sure of what i'm doing and why
therefore emotionally, i'm doing what i want to do

i also need to work on liking myself more, on believing in myself more, but the self loathing is a big problem, why i don't know.  i know logically but do i hate myself for giving up when i was younger, if so, i need to be kinder to myself because it was hard, it was really hard and it was made very difficult for me to take care of my inner world.  there was no escape.  i did what i had to do to survive.  quite frankly i had an appalling childhood and first few years and the circumstances of my birth were such that really i never stood a chance.  my mum being so creative with my birth certificate and all.  oh yeah i have to grieve for what i've lost and for what could have and should have been but then you move on.  but none of this helps me with my self loathing.  well it does a bit but my legs ache now and i would like to feel better about myself physically but i'm just a mess, thats why i hate myself, but maybe just maybe, i'm beginning to sort myself out now that i have this time, i do so want to you know.  i just want some peace and love inside of me.  i just want it to wash over me.  i don't really want any interruptions - i want to keep loving myself.  yeah you can do it, you have to accept the self loathing and then move on from it.  you can't stop it from happening, because its there its part of you, just like what your mum has done, it won't change, its a fact of life, yeah i can live with that, but then its kinda of if you make friends with it, you can let it go, well not friends really, but if you accept it, then you can let it go.  its as if it as to exist before it can go.  makes sense that

yeah its like i've been trying to get rid of it all these years to erase it from my pysche but you can't, it has to be accepted before it can move on.  so basically the self loathing is about being a coward, being weak, giving in, not fighting more - but i have to accept my limitations thats only natural, its ok to want an easy life, its ok especially after all you have been thru, its ok that you are not in the best shape, you are in the best shape you can be after all you have been thru. this is the kindest thing i can tell myself.