yeah, its that time again, got all sorts of idea's in my head and don't quite know what to do with some of em. at the moment, i'm kinda feeling that there is a lot of negativity directed at me and mine. i think there is some but my fears are over exaggerated due to past experiences so don't think its much to worry about and more to do with picking up other people's projections on to me which is of course quite scary cause someone like me can get lost in all of that, its not helpful at all. however on the bright side, it does make you reco.nnect with yourself and try to re assert who you are, so that has to be good.
obviously i'm still a bit put out over what my mum has done, but i'm a lot better than i was, still absolutely committed to never having anything to do with her again and still unable to forgive her, not that she has asked for forgiveness which says it all really, cause i don't believe she thinks, she has done anything wrong, but there you go. have had some difficulties with the gp, so have to do without his support at the moment, all i can say is, its a good job i'm as strong as i am cause i would a gone under with all the shit i've been facing and still having weird and wonderful thoughts to deal with as well, it was a very muddy murky time, i can tell you. i don't seem to have many really good people around me, i think thats a reflection of my mum being in close proximity, cause she's obviously a certain type and well you know what they say, birds of a feather and all that, so it could be that i'm in the wrong place physically to get much support which i don't mind telling you is distressing but i think i'm gonna muddle thru cause basically, even though there are all these people about, it feels really lonely when you havn't got somebody who sees it the way you do. but never mind, i still see things the way i do and that ain't gonna change even if nooooobody sees em my way !!!!!!!
taha is still be a bit difficult, not very appreciative or helpful and all that, infact a bit of a varmint really, sad but true, he is so selfish, sadly, i won't be sorry to see the back of him one day, he is more trouble than he is worth and i'm getting too old to be pandying to him. sorry about that but thats the truth. i don't wish him any ill.
all things considered we are all a bit down at the moment, what with the tories, theve cut the ema, my money has gone down considerably and well i feel like a bit of a social outcast which is a sea change from how i used to see myself, but things change don't they. i wish i could be a bit more confident in myself and get out and get to the gym but it just feels that if i put one foot wrong the whole world will come crashing down on me, i feel particularly that my sister is still very jealous and is acting out accordingly. i could be wrong but i don't think i am and i think that her jealousy against me is one of her reasons d'etre and she has found a willing partner in my mum. sad for them both but there you go. nothing i can do about it, but telling you here is making it a bit less scary for me. oh i really wish if i wasn't ill then i'd got somebody who could help me. one day, one day eh
bye for now blog xxxx
