lovely day

after. oh  yesterday which was a major binge day - two chocolate eclairs, clotted cream rice pudding pot, bacon and cheese wrap, thats just what i can remember.  needless to say i made myself walk the dogs after that lot but i felt like shit, physically and emotionally.
today has been a bit better well quite a lot better actually - have not felt compelled and apart from the quantity that i eat, i have only eaten a small bar of chocolate and have ended with a healthy dinner and a piece of fruit,. so feel much better now and am hopeful for the future.

its just that i actually am feeling shame for T - i know he is happy doing what he is doing, but i feel such shame because he is just always living off other people and their good nature.  but what can i do, its certainly not how he was bought up, he was bought up to take responsibility for himself but alas that seems to have departed and he has taken to this kinda of nomadic existence just drifting from one sofa to the next.  anyway i feel better sharing that with you, it doesn't seem so bad now and my friends and family have all told me not to berate myself for his choices but its just that i feel so disappointed because i like to admire my children, but i can't admire his behaviour at the moment, i know its exciting but its just so stupid, i'm so torn but then again nothing ventured nothing gained it just seems as though he wants to do something without going thru the proper channels.  oh well he may succeed and he may not, but i'm not gonna beat myself up because i actually don't want him to succeed because if he does it makes a mockery of all the hard work and shit that i and many people like me have gone thru. you get my drift.  At the same time i'm all for thinking outside of the box but i would never condone using other people in the equasion.  oh well some people.
so have had a good ride round today with M, drove up to Leek and then at the Green Man cut across to Lognor and Buxton.  then up to Goyt valley and a little walk round with the dogs. then over buxton to doveholes and sparrowpit and then down to castleton via winnats pass, then thru Hope and upto Bamford and along the Derwent valley by the reservoir, another little walk and the sunset was just beautiful, awesome.  then back down to Eyam and Bakewell and via monyash back to Newhaven and then home.  lots of nice music playing on M's ipod and then a really nice healthy dinner and now coronation street and marchlands, so a nice evening.  yeah life is not too bad really, infact there might be hope for the future as long as i keep the stress levels down.

bye for now