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Xxxxx

Today is the first day of the rest of my life

Hello.  If you have come this far. Welcome.

In some ways I'm a bit of a failed artist as I have been weighted down by surviving life and havnt created anything new for about 5 years, but I'm making a start today with my threads.   Coping with a personality disorder and some other physical ailments has made life difficult.  At moment I'm waiting on the outcome of a PIP disability assessment which has been in the pipeline since Feb this year 2021.    I've had no refusal, nothing so I'm just waiting.   If its a positive outcome I will let u know.

Anyway life is hard but I have to try and do something in this crazy world we live in.   So this is my first post and I'll let u know how it goes.   Feel free to comment or send me a message.  I'll always reply unless it's an insulting one.   Positivity please. Xx

Height in Stitch Exhibition

Brampton Museum, Newcastle under Lyme  25th May till 7th July 2019

Criminal Quilts at Brampton Museum

Ruth Singer has painstakingly traced the handwritten records of the height of female prisoners and then stitched over them following the trace.

A work of art.

The Family Detective

Ideas coming thick and fast about my new book called The Family Detective.

have started, ideas are tumbling around.  excited to see how this develops.

The next project has started........ lets see where it goes.

MA with Merit in Creative Feminist Writing

I succeeded in gaining an MA with Merit in Creative Feminist Writing from Staffordshire University in September 2016.

Critical and Contextualising Theory in Creative Feminist Writing

#UniQube and #ArtworkZhandra - show open

Here is a link to the Staffordshire University Website who have kindly put up a News Piece about my show.


Staffs Uni News

UniQube Show now open till 5th August 2016

Invitation to UniQube Gallery

YOU ARE INVITED TO

‘I thought everyone ate Roast Beef on Sundays’

By

Zhandra Belgasmi

UniQube Gallery

Film Theatre Foyer, Flaxman Building, Staffordshire University

25th July till 5th August 2016

Meet Zhandra on Thursday 28th July between 12 noon and 2pm

HOPE TO SEE YOU THERE

Please tweet your comments with #artworkzhandra@StaffsUni

THANK YOU
Please note the Gallery is closed Sat/Sun

Google Map showing Film Theatre  

Research Matter(s) Conference at Birmingham City University 8th July 2016

Conference Photos

Here are a few photos from my display at the Conference.

It was an excellent day, though a bit scary for me delivering to academics and PhD students; I just hope I did my tutors and Staffordshire University proud.  I feel very honoured and humbled to have been selected to present at this Conference.

Postcard for Exhibition @ Uniqube Staffordshire University

Please click on the link to see, opens in a new page



Exhibition Post Card

Staffordshire University - Masters

Check out my new pages listed;-

The Scarlet Letter;

Submission to Conference;

Research Matter(s) Conference;

today is the first day of the rest of my life...... as is everyday by the way lol !

well i'm off to Staffordshire University at Stoke to do my MA in negotiated studies.  one of the first things i;m intending to do is to collate my online presence into a more streamlined position.  and to also produce some cards with all my details on, and a sample of my work, blog and hopefully a website.

yeah, a free website is defo on the cards so that i can put up what i'm doing and start offering things for sale.

and amongst all of this i have to start my 'learning contract' whatever that is.   watch this space as all will be revealed.

plus my children are moving on with their lives,  K is very successful in his life, such a wonderful, caring, sensitive, funny, diligent, handsome young man.  T is now at university of essex studying a foundation in network technology.   he is based in Southend on Sea, so ofcourse he is by the sea !!!   good luck to T he has been hard studying at the university of life so i'm sure this whole experience will just enhance his studies.   ofcourse he will always be employed and employable cause of the field he has chosen - computers - and as we all know we can't really do without them nowadays !!!!!!  and it goes without saying that whatever problems and stuff he encounters, i will naturally be the last one to know, if ever, unless he needs something.  I'm still waiting for a lovely photo of him, to put with my collection of my grown up children cause i like to record them as they develop.  i live in hope.
M is at Southbank University studying politics, though todate i don't think there has been much studying !!!!!!! more partying and buying clothese and makeup.    oh well, thats how she rolls !!!!!! i'm sure she will get stuck into her studies soon, but in the meantime, london and the lads better watch out, especially Max Irons !!!!!

so things have moved on somewhat and arn't i glad about that !!!!!  speak soon xxxxx

i'm still here

yay, i'm still here, well just about.   things are not too bad at moment, but money situation is dire to say the least but hey thats life.  apart from that am holding my own on a day to day basis just about.   been for a lovely walk with the dogs today, watched the leaves falling off the trees and it was lovely walking thru the crisp leaves that have already fallen.  i love watching the same place but in different seasons, it reminds of the continual regeneration of nature.  life goes on.   which inturn makes me want to treasure every moment that i have because in the big scheme of things, i will only be as a small speck upon this planet for such a small amount of time.  erm  so am trying to treasure my life more and accept it as the way it is.

bye for now,

it's been a while

hi there,
its been a while, but since my last update, i've been feeling loads happier, i've stopped wanting something i can't have - i've finally come to terms with the fact that i set myself up for heartache by wanting something i'm never gonna have.  its kinda set me free a bit, certainly in relation to my mum.
i've just got to work on my body next - wow that is a hard one, if only i could just love myself a little bit more and stop being so hard on myself.  infact i'm exploring with the idea that my body has taken on so much weight to protect me in a kind of way and so now i'm gonna stop dissing my body and dissing myself.  i feel abit like an alcholic when they first admit to being an alcholic - for me i'm admitting i have a problem with my body image and my body and my feelings - they are all a jumbled up mess.  so many people say everything is down to self-control - well maybe there is an element of that in it but there are other factors too that can't be ignored unless ofcourse you are like my mum - a bit of a robot where feelings are concerned and they just override them in the race for logic over feelings.  for me its an eternal battle - god i wished i knew why - well basically i go with my feelings and then end up in all kinds of shit - which i then have to get out of by being logical ----- what a crazy way to live but its been like this for so long, i don't think i would know or understand any other way of living. no help there then !!!!!!
but i'm willing to explore different dimensions - certainly i feel better now the weather is better and have been out in the garden more.  i'm also getting better at letting go and letting things take their own course.  but i seem to be forever in perpetual turmoil over two things - its like there is no co relation between these two things and its destroying me.  also i'm feeling that i'm getting older and my body isn't what it used to be and now i have to work so much harder just to keep standing still !!!!!!! having said that, i'm much happier in my own skin - i just wish i could love myself a bit more - maybe i will soon - well thats the next thing, i will be back just as soon as i've worked it out - take care love you xxxx

hey there, i've not been on here for ages, well here i am just to share something with you.  this is quite a radical change in my thinking  'accept what is'

i found this on the internet and its quite relative to me at the moment - infact when i try to accept what is, its like a whole weight is lifted off my shoulders.

One of the greatest sources of unhappiness, in my experience, is the difficulty we have in accepting things as they are.

Without judgment, without wishing for otherwise.

When we see something we don’t like, we wish it could be different — we cry out for something better. That may be human nature, or perhaps it’s something that’s ingrained in our culture.

The root of the unhappiness isn’t necessarily that we want things to be different, however: it’s that we decided we didn’t like it in the first place. We’ve judged it as bad, rather than saying, “It’s not bad or good, it just is.”

An example: In my recent post, A Beautiful Method to Find Peace of Mind, quite a few commenters thought my outlook was negative, pessimistic, or fatalistic … because I said you should expect people to mess up, expect things to go differently than you planned, and that you should embrace that.

It’s too negative to expect things to go wrong, they said. However: it’s only negative if you see it as negative. If you judge it as bad.

Instead, you could accept it as the way the world works — as the way things actually are. And try to understand why that is, and embrace it. As it is.

This can be applied to whatever you do: whether it be how other people act at work, how politics works and how depressing the news media can be. Accept these things as they are, and try to understand why they’re that way.

It’ll save you a lot of grief, because you’ll no longer say, “Oh, I wish things didn’t suck!”

Does it mean you can never change things? Not at all. But change things not because you can’t accept things as they are, but because you enjoy the process of change, of learning and growing.

Can we make this world a better place? Again, that’s assuming that it’s a bad place right now. But instead, you could say the world is just what it is — and that’s neither good nor bad. You can say that you’ll continue to try to do things to help others, to grow as a person, to make a difference in this world — not because you’re such a bad person now, or the world sucks, but because that’s the path you choose to take, because you enjoy that path.

As you catch yourself judging, and wishing for different — and we all do it — try a different approach: accept, and understand. It might lead to some interesting results.

“Be Content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” - Lao Tzu

now i've done that i'm into 'recovering from childhood neglect'
i can make my future better

feeling vulnerable

yeah, its that time again, got all sorts of idea's in my head and don't quite know what to do with some of em.  at the moment, i'm kinda feeling that there is a lot of negativity directed at me and mine.  i think there is some but my fears are over exaggerated due to past experiences so don't think its much to worry about and more to do with picking up other people's projections on to me which is of course quite scary cause someone like me can get lost in all of that, its not helpful at all.  however on the bright side, it does make you reco.nnect with yourself and try to re assert who you are, so that has to be good.

obviously i'm still a bit put out over what my mum has done, but i'm a lot better than i was, still absolutely committed to never having anything to do with her again and still unable to forgive her, not that she has asked for forgiveness which says it all really, cause i don't believe she thinks, she has done anything wrong, but there you go.  have had some difficulties with the gp, so have to do without his support at the moment, all i can say is, its a good job i'm as strong as i am cause i would a gone under with all the shit i've been facing and still having weird and wonderful thoughts to deal with as well, it was a very muddy murky time, i can tell you.  i don't seem to have many really good people around me, i think thats a reflection of my mum being in close proximity, cause she's obviously a certain type and well you know what they say, birds of a feather and all that, so it could be that i'm in the wrong place physically to get much support which i don't mind telling you is distressing but i think i'm gonna muddle thru cause basically, even though there are all these people about, it feels really lonely when you havn't got somebody who sees it the way you do. but never mind, i still see things the way i do and that ain't gonna change even if nooooobody sees em my way !!!!!!!

taha is still be a bit difficult, not very appreciative or helpful and all that, infact a bit of a varmint really, sad but true, he is so selfish, sadly, i won't be sorry to see the back of him one day, he is more trouble than he is worth and i'm getting too old to be pandying to him.  sorry about that but thats the truth.  i don't wish him any ill.
all things considered we are all a bit down at the moment, what with the tories, theve cut the ema, my money has gone down considerably and well i feel like a bit of a social outcast which is a sea change from how i used to see myself, but things change don't they.  i wish i could be a bit more confident in myself and get out and get to the gym but it just feels that if i put one foot wrong the whole world will come crashing down on me,  i feel particularly that my sister is still very jealous and is acting out accordingly.  i could be wrong but i don't think i am and i think that her jealousy against me is one of her reasons d'etre and she has found a willing partner in my mum.  sad for them both but there you go.  nothing i can do about it, but telling you here is making it a bit less scary for me.  oh i really wish if i wasn't ill then i'd got somebody who could help me.  one day, one day eh
bye for now blog xxxx

not a bad day

well hello blog, not had too bad a day today.  alot has happened too much to tell you here but suffice to say, i think i am defo turning a corner in accepting my situation.  which is a very positive development.  taha is back living at home, a bit worse for his adventure but he will soon be back on top form after a couple of months.  malika is getting over her trauma nicely and well to be quite frank, i think hers will take a lot longer to get over.  khaled is off to glastonbury and me i'm off to ikea to buy a new bed for malika tomorrow.  the dogs are ok and so is flora and so everything is just tickety boo.
bye for now xxxxxxx

hiya blog - sunday

so basically, its about malika can't work anwell i'm here again, feeling fed up again, had a few days that have been really bad, just lack of motivation, don't want to see anyone, speak to anyone.  malika is going thru a difficult patch after her serious suicide attempt.  its made me realise once again, as previously 'i thought everybody wished they had never been born' have got thru that and now realised 'i thought everyone felt suicidal regularly' and have now realised that my daughter is going thru the same shit.  its tragic and to think i'm responsible for that, its heartbreaking but what the hell, i now have got not only my own shit to deal with but hers as well.  its a tall order for me especially since i'm really running on empty.  but what the heck i still love you blog and thats important and i have this time to talk to you and get my thoughts in order and that is a big help. 
d getting her thru her exams and getting her the help that she needs and is entitled to.  its about me getting my claim in for my disability living allowance and seeing the doctor about the debt forms.  thats about it, oh and walking the dogs and watering the plants. 
its a nightmare and i have had to really adjust myself to cope with it all.  and there is taha milling around with no job and no money and his independence.  well i can't feel bad about him cause thats what he chose and hopefully he will get on his feet when he gets a job.  i feel really pressurized and vulnerable.  sometimes i think i get a bit paranoid but then i have to try and work out friend or foe aspect.  its really hard and then i feel so bad, its just untrue.  anyway, i'm off to watch james bond for a bit of escapism. tata

not another one

well yes, here i am again, thinking about Libya, they have permission for a no fly zone and nothing else just to stop the killing of civilians.  but where is this going to end because the way i see it, the rebels when they get to tripoli will end up killing civilians, so what to the coilition do then ?  it seems to me that these bombings are designed to hurt and threaten gaddaffi but that as long as he remains in power, then there is not a lot that the coilition can do other than start and arm a civil war.  this whole process is dis-honest, they have not been honest about their intentions and there will be some consequences that are not expected.

today

wow, bit of a rollercoaster today, started off well, enjoyed the sun, nice walk and coffee and scone round at kc's nice conversation then walk home and bang. letter then anger building up and anger masking sadness really, then a binge then a chat to samaritans and then realisation that its not my fault the way i am and not my fault how other people are. and basically its not my fault.  but am still left incapacitated with sadness, have stopped bingeing but there you go still sad, and unhappy at how my life is at the moment.  i don't feel a strong sense of who i am that is what is making me unhappy.  i feel a bit of a twit really because i'm so gullible but then what do you expect if people don't tell you the truth, how can i be called gullible, surely thats wrong, i'm not gullible, i'm not even trusting, i'm just believing what the doctor said, as you do like normal, and said doctor can't even have the common courtesy of telling me if something has changed, what a twat he is then.  but am i supposed to know, i don't think so do you ?