it's been a while

hi there,
its been a while, but since my last update, i've been feeling loads happier, i've stopped wanting something i can't have - i've finally come to terms with the fact that i set myself up for heartache by wanting something i'm never gonna have.  its kinda set me free a bit, certainly in relation to my mum.
i've just got to work on my body next - wow that is a hard one, if only i could just love myself a little bit more and stop being so hard on myself.  infact i'm exploring with the idea that my body has taken on so much weight to protect me in a kind of way and so now i'm gonna stop dissing my body and dissing myself.  i feel abit like an alcholic when they first admit to being an alcholic - for me i'm admitting i have a problem with my body image and my body and my feelings - they are all a jumbled up mess.  so many people say everything is down to self-control - well maybe there is an element of that in it but there are other factors too that can't be ignored unless ofcourse you are like my mum - a bit of a robot where feelings are concerned and they just override them in the race for logic over feelings.  for me its an eternal battle - god i wished i knew why - well basically i go with my feelings and then end up in all kinds of shit - which i then have to get out of by being logical ----- what a crazy way to live but its been like this for so long, i don't think i would know or understand any other way of living. no help there then !!!!!!
but i'm willing to explore different dimensions - certainly i feel better now the weather is better and have been out in the garden more.  i'm also getting better at letting go and letting things take their own course.  but i seem to be forever in perpetual turmoil over two things - its like there is no co relation between these two things and its destroying me.  also i'm feeling that i'm getting older and my body isn't what it used to be and now i have to work so much harder just to keep standing still !!!!!!! having said that, i'm much happier in my own skin - i just wish i could love myself a bit more - maybe i will soon - well thats the next thing, i will be back just as soon as i've worked it out - take care love you xxxx